[ crashing ]
and so we welcome you,
no matter what part of the galaxy you're from,
to the 10th annual north American ufo convention,
I believe,
Oh, please!
"The aliens did this to me, The aliens did that to me,"
You keep telling the same stupid story
year after year,
When the hell are you going to get over it?
Around the same time you stop dressing up
like a Jolly green Giant sex toy,
At least I've had a close encounter,
I think you liked having that probe up...
I told you, they didn't probe me,
I stopped them,
Oh, that's what you'd like us to believe,
No, no, no!
The meconia were very clear on that point,
Did you not read my last book?
No, Did you read mine?
I couldn't even find it,
Carl sagan was meconian,
Sagan was a pod person,
I've got the evidence right here,
The only thing in there is your lunch,
It's not the Alien finger,
I'm not going to carry it around
everywhere I go,
But you promised me, Gunther, when we, you know, ,,
that I was going to experience the finger,
You will, You will,
I want it now!
I want the finger,
I don't want a rotten carrot,
It's not a carrot!
You lied to me, Gunther,
You lied, ,,
for Pete's sake, boo, what kept you?
This printer screwed up our press release,
No, no, no, no, I took care of it,
It's fine,
As usual,
it sounds like world War iii in here,
Everybody,
can I have your attention, please?
Everybody, listen up,
Damn it, I said listen!
Well, um, ,,
I hope everyone enjoyed their fondue,
Like I always say, it's food you can trust,
Well, before we get on with tonight's business,
I have a personal statement I'd like to make,
I couldn't help noticing that certain of you
have chosen to disregard my request
that tonight's planning committee soiree
remain apolitical,
I sound like a broken record,
but this constant bickering, it's, ,,it's insufferable,
There is no way the rest of the world
will ever take us seriously
and respect us
if we do not respect ourselves,
Now, when the convention starts tomorrow
and the press arrives,
I want us to be civil to each other,
The moment one of us breaks Rank and starts bashing the others,
the press will jump right in,
and they'll make us all look like
a bunch of silly, disorganized lunatics,
Which is why Ike asked me...
Hi, everybody...
To come up with a theme
that sort of captures the zeitgeist of our message,
Don't you roll your eyes at me, Gunther Van Owen,
You're one of the first the tv crews'll head for,
Damn right...
Me and the rest of the Fifth Column,
Bunch of thugs,
We've got something to show, ,,
something big,
Oh, you mean
that piece of rotten carrot
you've been carrying around?
It is not a carrot,
Whatever it is, it's disgusting,
and it has nothing to do
with reality,
Our extra-Terrestrial friends
are beautiful, diaphanous creatures,
not toads like you,
Diaphanous?
The creature that impregnated me
was definitely reptilian,
You say that
about all creatures that impregnate you,
Yeah?
Come over here and say that,
Come on,
Stop!
Back off, everybody,
You people are incorrigible,
One of reasons I joined this group
was because of the fellowship it provided,
We know that we are not alone here
on starship earth,
and whether you look at aliens
as a malignant fungus or e, T, In a tutu,
we need to stand together and say,
in one united Voice,
two very simple words, ,,
"I believe,"
We hunger for a sign
that our faith is the right faith,
and, for me,
these two words are a statement that we have seen things,
and that the truth has been revealed to us,
"I believe?"
I believe that slogan sucks,
That's what I believe,
Yeah, me too,
It would have been way better in silver,
What is wrong with all of you?
Don't you want to be taken seriously
for once in your lives?
If you want to be taken seriously,
you'll need more than a t-Shirt,
You're going to need what I have in this box,
I'm sorry, sir,
but this is a convention-Planning meeting,
If you have something to sell,
there'll be a consignment table set up on Sunday,
Do I look like I'm selling something?
I've been driving in circles in the desert for three days
trying to figure out what to do with this,
What is it?
The stuff your dreams are made of,
[ ♪ ]
there is nothing wrong with your television,
Do not attempt To adjust the picture,
We are now controlling the transmission,
We control the horizontal, ,,
and the vertical,
We can delude you with a thousand channels
or expand one single image to crystal clarity, ,,
and beyond,
We can shape your vision
to anything our imagination can conceive,
For the next hour,
we will control all that you see and hear,
You are about to experience the awe and mystery
which reaches from the deepest inner mind
to The outer limits,
In an age of doubt,
there is nothing more powerful than the need to seek answers,
but what happens when the cloak is lifted
and those answers suddenly revealed?
I hope I haven't made a mistake showing this to you,
Is it real?
What kind of starcruiser did it come from?
Show it to us again,
As head of convention security, I say we 86 this guy right now,
We're not going to 86 anyone,
We don't know anything about this guy
or that, ,,thing,
They could both be radioactive,
For all we know,
that thing could make us glow Like bonzerian zot-Worms,
I assure you,
the fragment is harmless,
Tell that to the cancerous lump
growing on my spine, rummy,
I'm going to ask you and the box
to leave Nicely,
I ask again, we're going to tussle,
Please, just listen to me,
For 22 years, I was a civilian accountant
at nellis Air force base,
That's area 51,
Check the noncom work records
if you don't believe me,
You'll find my name there,
Max Buford?
Buford,
Two weeks ago, I was assigned to audit
the construction of an underground storage facility,
I found a discrepancy,
When I went to inquire about it,
I saw this strange craft
being disassembled by military personnel,
Pieces of the ship were being placed into boxes
in preparation for being hauled away on trains,
I was told to forget everything I had seen,
and though I tried to ignore it and simply do my job,
I found I could not,
Betraying the trust that was placed in me,
I stole one of the smaller boxes,
put it into the trunk of my car, and drove away,
That box is before you now,
Wow,
That is an amazing story, Mr, Buford,
It's the truth,
Our government is conspiring with the creatures
that built that craft,
The world needs to know,
The government know it's missing?
Probably, In which case...
They'll kill you,
Dead,
Hell, I knew a guy who knew a guy,
That guy crossed the feds just like you did,
10 years later,
he's eating at the Jolly troll smorgasbord...
In Billings?
That's the one, Bang!
He goes face Down into his tater tots,
Turns out a motherhumping heart attack
Just rocked his world,
Coincidence? I think not,
Why would you tell a story like that?
I think it's truly courageous of you to come here,
and I think I can speak for all of us
when I say thank you from the bottom of our hearts,
Well, I ain't thanking him,
His story's a load of crap,
That fragment didn't come from area 51,
There are no train tracks
going into that base,
Apparently, the hair goo
has infected your brain,
He's referring to
their cold-Fusion underground rail system,
Shut-up, There is no underground system,
The damned photos are on the internet,
What if aliens sent him?
The meconia have always been willing
to share their technology with us,
The meconia have got nothing to do with this,
This kind of technology, ,,
it's vortid all the way,
What if the fragment isn't stolen?
What if the government sent him here
as part of some disinformation campaign?
Anyone think of that?
Well, if the fragment is real, where's the disinformation?
Maybe they just want us to think it's real,
Or the aliens wanted us to see the fragment
because they need to tell us something,
Yeah! Like, maybe it's a distress signal
from their base station on the ocean floor,
You're all missing the point,
Think of all the grainy photographs
and half-Baked stories
we've hitched our wagons to over the years,
trying to grab onto something that proved
our belief in Aliens was justified,
We have it now,
This fragment, it's our holy grail,
Is that what you believe,
you, with your hoity-Toity college education?
It's what I believe, too,
Ike pilchard,
transit system coordinator,
And me,
Tyler buttram,
with my advanced degrees in portuguese literature,
animal husbandry, ,,
ditto, except for the degrees part...
Although I am certified to work as an x-Ray tech,
Mr, Buford,
we've already set up a press conference for tomorrow,
and with your permission,
I'd like to reveal the fragment
to the world,
Are you high on the crack?
The feds'll be on him like maggots on Roadkill,
Look,
you're a relative Newcomer to these conventions, boo,
Trust me,
there's a lot of things that you just don't know about,
Well, there's one thing that I do know,
With Mr, Buford and the fragment
out in the open,
the government would be stupid to do anything,
Even you can see that, Dale,
Boo is absolutely right, Mr, Buford,
Really,
it's the only way to save yourself,
I just want you to know I appreciate what you're doing,
Well, Mr, Buford, I assure you
the feeling is mutual,
I know that some of us
may seem a little extreme,
but, for the most part, we're good people,
Can I tell you something?
Tonight, you have renewed my faith
that aliens exist here on earth,
and for that, I'm really grateful,
This is your room,
Page me if you need anything and I'll be here in a flash,
You're safe with us,
I've got one man
eyeballing your car from the roof,
another will be outside this door all night,
Really?
You think that's necessary?
A little information can get a guy killed,
Enough said,
I think a Little information can be uplifting,
Now, remember what I said, if you need anything, ,,
Yeah,
Are you trying to be ignorant
when you say things like that?
What? What'd I say?
You said there'd be men watching him,
Correct me if I'm wrong,
but you're our only security, right?
Do you think he'll feel safer
knowing the entire FBI is out to Ruby Ridge him
and I'm the only thing standing in the way?
The FBI doesn't know where he is,
Wake up and smell the cheese, honey,
The walls have eyes,
Any one of the people in that room tonight
could be FBI in Deep-Cover assignment,
Oh, sure, you're saying Dale's all buggy and paranoid, ,,
but I've made inquiries into certain people,
and it wouldn't surprise me one little bit
that it comes back
that they're not who they say they are,
And who exactly are you referring to?
Well, when I get the facts, you'll be the first to know,
but only because I like you,
Now, some ignorant Types May think my kind of a job
is a nowhere road to dead endsville,
but to me, parking-Lot security is the first line of defense,
Say, do either of you ladies like Cable?
Dale! Dale, I've got to talk to you,
I'm talking to some ladies,
These aren't ladies, Dale, they're men,
I was attacked in my room,
Ah!
Dale, Dale, they're gone,
Don't be too sure,
Describe them,
Um, ,, flat nose,
bulbous eyes, ,,
vortids,
Stinking vortids,
Consider yourself lucky,
Vortids have been known to mutilate a body
faster than you can say seti alpha five,
but if our government taught them one thing,
it's how to get in and out quickly,
In other words,
sometimes in their hurry,
they leave a little something behind,
It may be nothing more
than a Flake of skin or a bead of gooey-Green sweat,
Dale, there's nothing under there,
But what about this?
Oh, what is it?
I think you wounded one during the struggle,
Could be a hunk of skin tissue,
some kind of blood, maybe even, ,,
hair gel,
Admit it, Gunther,
You and your digit-Worshipping friends
attacked me in my room,
Digit worshipping? Ooh, that hurt,
These are serious charges, Gunther,
If you and the Fifth Column were involved, ,,
why the hell would I even waste my time?
To Make boo look foolish maybe?
She doesn't need any of my help,
She's foolish enough already...
Not to mention gullible and simple-Minded,
Fess up, Gunther,
You left your calling card,
All right, all right,
Fine!
Fine,
It was us,
We were just trying to make a point,
If she's stupid enough to believe
a bunch of cheesy-Looking aliens
could attack her,
who knows what else she could buy into, huh?
Like, say,
a floating metal fragment,
Good example,
The girl's a Flake, just like the rest of you,
Hell, this was supposed to be my year, damn it...
The Fifth Column's year,
Why couldn't you believe in this?
Bingo,
Smoking gun and all,
Look what we found in Mr, Monty's dumpster,
Got that hair squidge all over it,
Polk's rounding up the last of it,
I have never been so disgusted
in All my, ,,
Gunther, pack your bags,
As president
of the north American ufo convention,
I hereby suspend you and the rest of the Fifth Column
from any further participation in naufoc events,
Incoming!
Screw you and your convention,
You can't deny us our right to be heard,
Go ahead and try,
The finger will not be silenced,
[ door slamming ]
that Gunther...
I'd always thought he'd go too far some day,
Sure you're okay, boo?
I'm good,
In fact, I'm better than good,
because with Gunther out of the way,
this press conference
is really going to soar
on the wings of an eagle,
When you say hanging there, ,,
we will say,
"There are things in the universe
"That we don't understand,
things the government is afraid to share, ,,"
boo, ,,
"But we have discovered something
"That will change all of that,
"something that we're willing to share with you,
Call it what you want, but we call it the truth,"
Boo!
We've got a problem,
What is it?
Duct tape, some wires,
conductive tubing, ,,
tell it again from the beginning,
Like I said,
the busboy was poking around at the air vent with a Broom,
and Ping, it opened, and all this stuff fell out,
Of course,
What do you mean "Of course"? of course what?
What are you talking about?
Mirrors and wires and Gerry-Rigged remote control,
Probably holograms, too, and animatronic sock puppets,
That floating fragment
was nothing but a piece of theater,
And we fell for it, hook, line, and sinker,
People, for all you know, it could be Gunther's handiwork,
or maybe it's been up there for years,
I bet my bippy,
if you stick a few magnets in this
and tape it to the ceiling...
Fine, Where are the magnets?
Mr, Buford pulled a fast one on us,
It's alien autopsy all over again,
We are so stupid,
But why? Why would he do this?
Maybe we're just jumping to conclusions,
She's right,
For all we know,
the government put Buford up to this,
Right, The government,
To make us look bad,
Come on, everybody,
sometimes, a piece of tubing is just a piece of tubing,
I looked into Mr, Buford's eyes, and he was telling us the truth,
Mr, Buford?
It's only us,
We just want to talk,
Really, uma, this is so unnecessary,
Then why isn't he answering the door?
Got it,
Mr, Buford, sorry to Barge in like this, ,,
I think Max is gone,
Telling us the truth, ,,
yup, Just like we thought,
Mr, Buford's gone and So is his box,
Not to mention everything in the mini-Bar,
Damned hotel better not try charging us for it,
Hey, some towels are missing,
and so's the rubber bath mat,
What a weirdo,
Nobody up front saw him go,
but we scoured the parking Lot for his car,
and it definitely isn't there,
How could he just leave us like that,
without saying anything?
Maybe there's a perfectly logical explanation,
Yeah, Like maybe he knew the feds were closing in,
The government didn't know he was here,
What if the government did know he was here,
because somebody told them about it?
You mean, like Gunther,
Yeah, Gunther,
He had a motive,
Could be Gunther, could be somebody else,
Yeah, ,,like, ,,
like, ,,
like nobody,
The man bolted
because this whole thing's a lie,
Maybe we were wrong about Mr, Buford,
Maybe we're wrong about a lot of things,
Boo?
Boo, where are you going?
Thought I'd find you here,
Have a drink,
Looks like you need one,
Sex on the beach,
How'd you know that was my drink?
You'd be amazed what you can learn about people
if you do a little surfing,
Do you mind if I, uh, sit down?
You okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm great, ,,
considering this feels
like the worst day of my life,
I should have listened to you
when you said how complicated things are,
You wanted that fragment to be real in the worst way,
I'd rather not talk about it,
Funny thing is, I know how you feel,
Boo, can you keep a secret?
Sure,
You know, uh, ,, that story I tell
about when the aliens, you know, ,,
Oh, my god,
Dale, are you saying that that actually happened?
Huh?
No, no, no,
I mean, it never happened,
I made it up,
You've got to believe me,
I wanted it to happen,
I wanted to see aliens,
I still do,
but just because you want something to be True, ,,
Dale, ,,
I understand, really,
I do,
I know there are aliens out there and all,
God, I know how desperate that must sound,
I just wanted to be accepted,
you know?
I mean, all the people here at the convention, ,,
they're like my family,
They accepted me when nobody else would, ,,
and it's all based on a lie,
Can you ever forgive me?
Of course I can,
Thank you,
Wow,
You were great, boo,
Now, I've been with a lot of women,
not that I'm bragging,
but, ,,wow,
You are, ,,
and that was, ,,
wow,
You didn't think it was wow, did you?
No, it was fine, Dale,
It was just what I needed,
It was?
It was real, It happened,
There's no denying it,
That's one way of looking at it, I guess,
You and I just had sex,
That's a fact,
It was way better for you than it was for me,
That's another fact,
Now, wait a minute,
Just because I wouldn't stick my tongue...
Dale, I'm not passing judgment, okay?
[ Telephone ringing ]
it's just that
I have never been more confused or tired
in my whole life,
Hello?
Listen to me carefully...
Mr, Buford?
Try and understand what I'm saying,
It's all about John, okay? John,
His life is going down the drain,
Who?
What the hell are you talking about?
Listen, it's nothing personal, Mr, Buford,
but you sound like you've been drinking,
Boo, please, listen to me carefully,
I'm not trying to turn you on
or turn you off,
I'm, ,,I'm venting, okay?
I'm venting,
Actually, Mr, Buford, I'm in the middle of something,
Dammit, boo, you've got to listen to me,
Oh, my god,
Boo, you've got to help me,
I'm in a phone Booth outside Kyle plastics,
you got that? Kyle plastics,
The nerve of that man,
After all that he's done to me,
to call here at this hour, ,,
where did Buford say he was?
It doesn't even matter,
He's drunk and he's probably feeling sorry for himself,
Maybe, but if I've learned anything
from my experience in the security field,
it's that nothing is ever as it seems,
The man called you for a reason, boo,
We need to find out why,
I could've told you
this was a waste of time,
Mr, Buford?
Mr, Buford, are you here?
Oh, my god, There he is,
Is he, ,,
he's dead, all right,
It's sad,
It's so sad,
Something is not right here,
Dale, please, you saw all the bottles,
He was inebriated,
Obviously, he hit his head,
and he fell down and he bled to death,
Sure, he seemed drunk, but was he?
150 ccs of government-Grade sodium pentathol
would have exactly the same effect on him,
The government did not do this,
I'm not saying it was the government,
Could be the Fifth Column,
or the masons, or the illuminati, maybe,
Where's the damn fragment?
That's what I want to know,
Well, obviously, the government got it back,
ooh, or maybe it was the aliens,
Except that's not what this picture says,
Tell you what I think...
Government guys follow him,
think they've found their prize, discover they're wrong,
get a little carried away
demonstrating their disappointment,
Or... Have you thought of this?
Maybe it's just what it seems to be...
Mr, Buford was a lonely drunk
who thought he could have a few laughs
pulling a fast one on a bunch of social outcasts,
That's exactly what they want you to think,
Look, when it comes to ufos,
the government's agenda never changes...
Discredit, disavow, ,,
disinform,
Now, what you see is real,
but it's a little more complicated,
A spaceship looks like a spaceship,
hell, it may even be a damned spaceship,
but it's not really a spaceship,
You ever wonder how much work it would take
the people who come up with these plans
to actually come up with them?
That's why the government
has whole agencies dedicated to this stuff...
Fema, atf, cia, the trifab commission,
The what?
You haven't heard about the trifab commission?
Probably better that way,
Oh, yeah, much better that way,
You're sounding like me... Doubting everything,
Maybe I'm just wising up,
[ Mr, Buford ]: it's all about John, okay?
It's all about John,
Who the hell is John?
His life is going down the drain,
I'm venting, okay? I'm venting,
I'm venting, ,,
that smart son of a bitch, ,,
he kept it wrapped up nice and tight
to keep in the light,
So, I guess it is real,
Maybe,
I still want to believe in it,
but I want to believe
because I know intrinsically what it is,
Obviously, it's no ordinary hunk of metal,
Well, yeah,
I mean, it floats,
But do we know why it floats?
No,
Does the fact that it floats
mean that it comes from outer space,
and that's the only possible explanation?
I'm not qualified to say and neither are you,
Still, the fact that it does what it does, ,,
it's got to be
from an alien technology,
Or maybe it's just a really clever magic trick,
and we haven't figured out how they're doing it,
If you want to drive yourself crazy
thinking up all these what-Ifs,
go right ahead,
Personally, I think it's time
to look what truth I do know squarely in the face,
You want to know why I believe in aliens?
I believe in aliens because I needed to,
When I was in college, I met this guy, Winton,
and we had a little daughter
named Krishna,
One day,
we're all heading to this ashram in oregon,
It was Winton's idea,
He was always very spiritual,
We stopped at this little cafe
out in the middle of nowhere
so I could go use the bathroom,
and when I came out, they were gone,
They just drove off without you?
They never showed up at the ashram,
and they never went back to our little apartment,
and when I called Winton's family
to find out what had happened,
they said no,
I mean, as far as they knew,
Winton and Krishna had just vanished,
Maybe they weren't telling the truth,
Well, I'm sure they weren't,
I guess I got really carried away,
because the next thing I know, I'm locked up in this hospital,
and I'm looking out the window, day after day,
thinking to myself, "Where'd they go?
Where'd they go?"
and then, one day, another patient wanders by,
and says, "maybe the aliens took them,"
and I thought to myself, "Well, why the hell not?"
I mean, I could live with that,
Funny thing is
that's when I started to feel better,
Sounds like his family talked him into leaving you,
and taking the baby with him,
I guess I need to look in to that, huh?
So, what do we do about This?
We tell the truth,
What is with all the mystery, Ike?
We really need
to get down to the convention floor,
I've got a Booth to finish setting up,
Look, everyone,
I know This is inconvenient,
but I promise it's important,
Oh, boo, come on in,
Okay, you all remember
how we searched
Mr, Buford's hotel room yesterday?
Well, we missed something,
You found the fragment?
Well done, boo,
I knew it would turn up,
I thought we all agreed it was fake,
Funny, I don't remember anyone agreeing to anything,
Why don't you, uh, check the ceiling tiles?
Go ahead and rip up the carpet, if you like,
My god!
I told you it wasn't fake,
No, I told you,
What are we sitting here for?
Let's take it downstairs,
No, no, no, no,
Everybody, hang on just a second,
Wait a minute, okay?
Now, we have to be very careful about this,
Ike says he wants us to be taken more seriously,
and that's what has to happen,
You don't think they'll take this seriously?
Are any of you a metallurgist?
Maybe a physicist?
How about
your plain old scientist?
I didn't think so,
Which means,
that as interesting as this thing is,
we don't know what it is,
therefore,
we are going to present this to the world as a mystery,
and we are going to invite the world...
The government included...
To help us solve that mystery,
The government?
Don't you see?
This is a part of our problem,
We don't trust anybody,
not even ourselves,
which is why I'm hoping that by reaching out,
in the spirit of cooperation,
that we can end
the mistrust and the paranoia,
Ike, ,,
you, ,,
you want me to do it?
You're our Leader,
I think the world should hear about this
from one voice...
Yours,
Thank you, boo,
I appreciate this,
Is there anyone here who disagrees with This?
Good,
Let's go tell the world,
Where the hell is Everyone?
Didn't you just pass them in the hall?
They're heading down to the convention floor,
No!
Who's got the suitcase?
Ike does,
We've got to stop him,
Dale, don't get me started,
I just saw Gunther Van Owen in the parking lot,
I don't think he's here for the refreshments,
What are you talking about?
Remember when I said I was looking into some people?
Well, say hello to Ike pilchard...
Gunther Van Owen's best Buddy
and card-Carrying member
of the Fifth Column
and the f-B-Freakin'-I,
You've got to listen to me before you go down there,
Do you recognize the guy in the potato-Sack race?
Ike at a fifth-Column picnic 10 years ago,
I got this off the fifth-Column web site,
Here's another shocker...
Gunther Van Owen,
He's a shriner,
So?
It's basic...
Basic!
Shriners are masons,
Masons have ties to the U, S, Government,
which have gone all the way back
to the beginnings of the republic,
To reach the highest level of masondom...
The 33rd level...
Masons from all over the world
have to travel to Washington, D, C,
The connections are obvious,
The Fifth Column and the FBI are one and the same!
Dale, that is the flimsiest story...
All right, all right,
What about this one, then?
This is from the telephone directory
of the j, Edgar Hoover building in Washington, D, C,
What's Gunther's name doing on there
if he isn't a fed?
Oh, my god,
Gunther Van Owen, right there on the page,
Disavow, discredit, ,,
disinform, Exactly,
Doesn't that sound like Gunther to you?
It sounds like the whole damned government,
So Ike and Gunther, ,,
are plants,
It's hide in Plain sight times two,
And I have just put the fragment into their hands,
How much do you want to bet
that those bastards have already switched that fragment
for some cheap plastic doo-Dad,
so that when Ike gets up there
and reveals it to the world...
Everyone's going to think we're lying,
They'll think we're all crazy,
We've got to stop him,
Okay, everyone, sit down, ,,
I surrender!
Good morning, everyone,
I'd like to welcome you all
to the 10th annual north American ufo convention,
I think you'll find this year's gathering
is, well, to put it mildly, kind of special,
and I'm happy to see
our friends in the media have shown up, too,
I promise you, you will not be disappointed,
Our story begins
at Mr, Monty's house of fondue, ,,
the whole Fifth Column's here,
I can feel it,
and the cia, the fbi, the trifab commission,
There, There, Do you see him?
Is that a person?
It's Gunther,
What's he doing up there?
If I know anything about how the feds operate,
he's their insurance policy,
Come on, Hurry,
So, to be honest, we're not exactly sure
how poor Mr, Buford
Came to his untimely demise last night,
All we do know is that he showed up,
gave us the spaceship fragment that's in this suitcase,
then ran,
Now, those of us who attend these conferences,
we hear a lot of stories,
and some of them are pretty fantastical,
which is all a convoluted way of saying
that what I'm about to show you is, ,,
well, ,,
I guess I'll let it speak for itself,
No, sir, Ike, Not today, you don't,
What are you doing?
We know about you and Gunther,
You fifth-Column lover,
Boo, what are you talking about?
Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize,
Those us at naufoc are well aware
that Mr, Larose
is somewhat prone to hyperbole,
Don't listen to him, folks,
Ike's the definition of a liar,
He doesn't want you to know he's an agent...
Of the federal government...
Who has been trying to attain this metal fragment
since we got it last night,
Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you, ,,
he wanted us to open this and show you what was inside,
He knew that you would think that We are liars,
and we're crazy,
because there's nothing in here,
Aliens are real,
They're here,
They're among us,
and they're working with our government,
Our government is lying to us,
and the proof, ,,
Dale! Dale!
Believe,
It looks like four shots have been fired
here at the north American ufo convention,
more and more shots now ringing out,
It's just pandemonium here,
Dale was telling the truth,
That's why the government killed him,
You've got to listen to me,
Disavow, discredit, disinform...
That's what they're trying to do to us,
We're just getting word now
that the police have surrounded the shooter,
Don't move, asshole, Don't move a muscle!
Our source is telling us now
that the police have a tentative I, D, On the shooter,
Apparently, he belongs to a splinter group
which is at odds with the convention leadership
over some kind of alien finger,
His name is Gunther Van Owen...
That is not the truth!
Gunther Van Owen works for the government,
Gunther Van Owen is the government,
Ladies and gentlemen, it's a very, very sad day here,
The question isn't really, do aliens Exist?
We'll probably never know the answer to that,
The real issue here
is what would make one of these people so angry,
what would cause them to become so unhinged
that they would perpetrate an act of violence like this?
A toaster?
Dale was right,
I think we did it,
How is he?
He is fine, ,,
but he'd be a whole lot better if that so-Called marksman
hit the Vest where he was supposed to,
When we get back to the office, I would like a word with him,
And the package? Can I see it?
Right here,
Good job,
Think the folks back there
will buy the goods we just sold them?
If you mean will anyone know the trifab commission did this,
I doubt it,
Those poor, crazy bastards back there...
No one'll ever believe a word they say ever again,
Even when they're right,
I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, ,,
sometimes, the best way to hide the truth